Merry Christmas or Bah Humbug…

Merry Christmas or Bah, Humbug…

It’s your choice

Scripture Reference: Deuteronomy 30:19

            The holiday season is upon us. It is a wonderful time of year. Of course, it can also be one of the most difficult times of the year.

            It starts with Halloween. This is one of the biggest photo ops of the year for some parents. They get to dress their kids as butterflies, angels, football players, pirates; they get the opportunity to dress up their already cute child and get a ton of pictures. All in all, this is a lot of fun for both the parents and the children. I am sure you can see that this holiday would be difficult on someone who is going through infertility. However, I have to admit I love seeing all the pictures and always appreciate being one of the people that personally get sent the pictures, but there was a time when these pictures had the ability to make me sad.

            Now we move on to Thanksgiving. Honestly, for me, this has always been the easiest holiday in this part of the year. I won’t spend a lot of time here.

            Christmas is the real kicker. It is supposed to be a holly, jolly season. If I am to be completely honest, I will admit that it has not always been all candy canes and Christmas trees for me.  I have allowed myself to be that bah, humbug person for a couple of years.

I can remember one year my brother and his family decided they were going to have Christmas morning at their house. My family tradition had always been to spend the night at my parents’ house and start Christmas morning right away. My brother’s family had every right to make their decision. In fact, I support it 100%. They have a daughter and what family doesn’t want that special time to themselves in the morning?  However, at the time I was devastated. I called my mom on my way to work sobbing. I couldn’t figure out what Jason and I were supposed to do Christmas morning. We didn’t have children to surprise on Christmas morning. Christmas traditions are so centered on children and their responses, and because Jason and I had not had children, I felt so robbed of that experience.

Another year, four of my cousins were pregnant at the same time. In fact this has happened twice in the amount of time that Jason and I have been trying to get pregnant. However, that first year was the most painful. I had just started going through this journey and didn’t have a clue what emotions would attack. Most of my family did not know at that time what all we had been going through, but I felt like that entire Christmas party was focused on my pregnant cousins. As it should have been, it was very exciting for all of them to be pregnant at the same time. However, I felt as though that they were all in this exclusive club that I wanted so desperately to be a part of and just couldn’t. I was absolutely devastated.  I can remember they had all of the pregnant cousins stand together to take a picture and then they showed everyone the picture. I don’t blame them, but this was very difficult for me. Now, I want to be very clear, all my baby cousins born from those times are some of the most amazing children I have ever met. They have impacted our lives more than anyone will ever know and I am so thankful that I did not allow my own sadness and jealousy to affect my relationship with my cousins or their children. They had every right to act excited and there was no need for them to walk on egg shells around me. Do not ever expect anyone to act differently around you because they are pregnant. You will miss out on so much if you expect people to treat you differently.

Now, the choice is up to you. You can allow yourself to let situations like I described consume your entire holiday season, or you can choose to celebrate the season for all it is worth. Deuteronomy 30:19 tells you to choose between life and death. Then it goes on to tell you the correct answer. Choose life!!!! So how do you do that when the situation seems unbearable? You’ve got to make an effort.

Years ago, I used to be on the puppet team at my church. We used to travel and do competitions and one year we went on a week trip together. That is a long time to spend with the same people. Especially because this group was full of lot of strong personalities. For months before the trip our leader had us read the love scriptures (1 Corinthians 13:4-8) over and over again. This was our focus. I can remember as soon as we got to the dorms I got mad at someone and instantly went back to my room to read these scriptures. I had to remind myself what love looked like. I had to work to walk in love with everyone. It was not always easy, but I was able to because I made the effort. I had the opportunity to allow conflict to ruin my week, but instead chose to make an effort to have a good week.

This is the same concept you need to use this holiday season. I am not saying it is going to be easy. I am not saying that you will never be sad, jealous or angry. You can make this an enjoyable holiday season, but it may take some effort. Find the scriptures that talk about God’s goodness and mercy. The scriptures that say He has plans for you. Remember that God’s goodness and mercy follow you all of the days of your life (Psalm 23:6). Take the time to write down the good things in your life. Then when you are having a difficult time step away and get your focus back on these things. I don’t care if you need to sneak away to a restroom and cry and get refocused on the good things, do it! Take care of yourself and have a wonderful holiday season. Enjoy Thanksgiving and have a Merry Christmas!

WEEKLY ASSIGNMENT:

This week take the time to write down the scriptures that can help you through a difficult time. On the same piece of paper write down some of the good things in your life. Keep this paper close.

Confidence

Confidence

Week #12

Scripture Reference:  Hebrews 11:1 (NLT)

Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen;

it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.

            I’ve started rereading a book about Smith Wigglesworth, who was an evangelist in the early 1900’s.  The stories that have been told about him are amazing. He truly believed that God could work through him. Miracle after miracle were completed through Smith Wigglesworth by God, but the story that has stuck out to me the most was a simple story.  It was a simple faith step that he made seem so easy because of his confidence that our Heavenly Father would take care of him.     

Book: Wigglesworth: A Man Who Walked with God

Author: George Stormont

Pg 13

“Another evening, my wife drove Wigglesworth to a meeting in another church, and on the way home, the car broke down. He was unperturbed. He just talked to “Father”, and very soon help appeared in the form of a man who had been at the meeting. The man arranged for the car to be taken care of then brought Wigglesworth and my wife home.”

            This story really convicted me. He had so much confidence that Father God would take care of him that it didn’t even faze him when the car broke down. This is a level of faith that I am still striving to attain. I am not going to lie, the day after I read this story I was faced with an opportunity where I had to choose between being confident in my Heavenly Father and being confident in life’s circumstances. I did not pass this test. We had received a rather large bill in the mail and my initial reaction was not calm and thankful that God takes care of us. My initial reaction was panic. My mood stunk and I was stressed. Eventually I remembered reading this story and was so convicted because I had the opportunity to trust and be confident in God and instead I leaned on my own abilities. I’ve got to tell you, my abilities are nothing compared to God’s abilities. Long story short, turns out we didn’t even owe the money on the bill. It had already been paid. I allowed myself to become stressed over nothing. I allowed “nothing” to ruin my morning.

            Here is my point…Are you confident in our Heavenly Father on a daily basis? Are you confident that He will take care of you in the small things? Matthew 6:30 says “And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?” After reading this scripture it is such a silly thought that we would fret over the little things. God knows what you need. He knows you need food, clothing and numerous other things for survival. The Bible says that He will care for you. You can absolutely be confident in the fact that He takes care of you. So, the next time your car breaks down or you receive an unexpected bill in the mail you can be confident that God has set up the provision to take care of the situation.

            Why is this so important? If we cannot be confident in our Heavenly Father when our car breaks down, how will we be confident in Him when something major happens? Those everyday day trials that give you the opportunity to trust and be confident in God are practice for when we go through the major things. We need to learn to trust Him through the little things so that we can trust Him through the big things such as infertility. As I’ve discussed in previous blogs infertility can become overwhelming. It can consume your every thought. However, we do not need to allow it to become that way because we can be confident that our Heavenly Father will take care of us.

We need to learn to be confident in Him through the little things

so that we can be confident in Him through the big things.

WEEKLY ASSIGNMENT:

This week take the time to recognize the opportunities that you have to trust in God. Thank Him for taking care of you.

Don’t Worry…

Don’t Worry…

Week #11

Scripture Reference:  Philippians 4:6-7 (NLT)

⁶ Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. ⁷ Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

            Worry and Stress can be a huge factor when you are going through infertility.  You hear all of the time from people “if you just relax, it will happen”. They tell you stories of “when my friend stopped trying she got pregnant”. What these well-meaning people fail to realize is that sometimes infertility is more than a state of mind. There is sometimes a physical reason people have trouble conceiving. What they also fail to realize is that friend that “stopped trying”, never really stopped trying. Trying to get pregnant was always in the back of their mind, but as a coping mechanism they “stopped trying”. I have wanted to scream at these people. I know that they are trying to help, or trying to make themselves feel better, but stress/worry is not the cause of endometriosis. The endometriosis is not going to go away if I just stop stressing. However, stress and worry is not good for you.

 

            According to the American Society for Reproductive medicine “Many women who are being treated for infertility have as much stress as women who have cancer or heart disease”. We also know that stress and worry are not good for you. Luke 12:25 asks if worrying can add a single moment to our lives. The answer is no.  Worrying accomplishes nothing. In fact, it is bad for us physically and mentally.

Common effects of stress ...
... On your body	... On your mood	... On your behavior
·         Headache ·         Muscle tension or pain ·         Chest pain ·         Fatigue ·         Change in sex drive ·         Stomach upset ·         Sleep problems	·         Anxiety ·         Restlessness ·         Lack of motivation or focus ·         Irritability or anger ·         Sadness or depression	·         Overeating or under eating ·         Angry outbursts ·         Drug or alcohol abuse ·         Tobacco use ·         Social withdrawal

Source: American Psychological Association's "Stress in America" report, 2010

           

So, if worry and stress are so bad for us, but infertility can cause a large amount of stress, are we stuck? The answer is no! A big, resounding NO!

WE HAVE HOPE!!!

            Again, read the scripture I put at the top of this blog. It says Don’t Worry! God does not give us commands that are not possible. He also does not give us commands without telling us how to make it possible! So here it goes. Here is how we keep our stress and worry levels in check. Don’t worry, pray about everything and you will experience God’s peace. That sounds like a great promise to me.  The number one way to alleviate stress and worry, give it to God!

           

           1 Peter 5:7 tells us to cast our worries and cares on God because He cares for us. Fill yourself with scriptures on God’s peace. Find teachings about casting your cares on God. One of my personal favorites was Rick Renner’s “Casting Your Cares”. Jason and I have listened to this audio file over and over again. This audio file can be found at www.renner.org.  Pastor Jeff recently did a service about Jehovah Shalom. Meaning God is Peace. He is our peace. You can listen to this service at lifepointnow.com.

           

What else can you do to alleviate stress? You have got to find ways to keep your stress in check. This means find the techniques that work for you. I have found that running is my stress relief. It relaxes me and gives me a goal. I am currently training to run a full marathon that I will be running in February. This gives me a goal other than trying to get pregnant. Now here is your challenge: what relaxes you? Are there relaxation techniques that work for you? Does exercise work for you? Research and find what works for you.

Sources:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/stress-symptoms/SR00008_D

http://www.asrm.org/uploadedFiles/ASRM_Content/Resources/Patient_Resources/Fact_Sheets_and_Info_Booklets/Stress-Fact.pdf

WEEKLY ASSIGNMENT:

First, submerse yourself in the scriptures that teach you how to cast your cares on God and the scriptures that teach you that God is your peace. Find teachings about God being your peace. Get your focus where it belongs and off of the problem.

Second, research ways to reduce your stress level. This could be exercising, finding relaxation techniques, starting your day listening to praise and worship. Find what works for you.

Guilt-Complex

Guilt-Complex

Week #10

Scripture Reference:  1 John 3:20-21

            For anyone who reads my blog and hasn’t struggled with infertility, you may wonder why guilt is even an emotion connected to this journey.  Merriam-Webster dictionary defines feeling guilty as obsolete; justly liable to or deserving of a penalty. So, how can this relate to infertility? Simple, I will give you three scenarios where guilt comes in to the game.

            Scenario #1: Every month you try and pray to have a baby. You are doing everything right. You have the timing down. You are eating as best as you know how. You’ve cut out caffeine. You pray all of the time that this is it, this is your month. This is the month you will get the positive pregnancy test. Only that isn’t what happens; instead your period starts.  Now starts the guilt trip. I cannot even begin to count the amount of times that my husband has had to console me because I was sobbing. I couldn’t figure out what I did that was so wrong. Why God didn’t want me to have a baby. I thought that maybe I wasn’t a good enough Christian or that my faith wasn’t strong enough. I was convinced that I was being punished because maybe I didn’t read my Bible enough that month or maybe I talked bad about someone that month. I felt so guilty. Logically, I knew this wasn’t the case. People who aren’t living perfect get pregnant all of the time, but I still felt so guilty.

            Scenario #2: So, you just found out that someone else is pregnant. It seems as though everyone around you is pregnant. You are truly happy for them, but that small pang of jealousy sneaks in. The crazy part is now you feel guilty because you feel jealous. You are happy for them, maybe even excited about meeting a new little one, but you are sad for yourself and maybe a little jealous and now you feel guilty about any of the feelings that might not be positive.  I didn’t even know that all of those emotions could be felt at the same time until I started going through infertility.  Then it gets worse.  If one of the people that you were slightly jealous of miscarries the guilt that you feel goes through the roof. Now, you never ever wished harm on them. In fact, you were more excited than anything for them, but because you felt that little bit of jealousy you are convinced that it is your fault. Again, logically, I knew it wasn’t my fault, but I still had that inner struggle with guilt.

            Scenario #3: Now, this is the area that still tries to sneak into my life. This is the area that I have to fight hard to control. In our situation it is issues with me that cause the infertility. I struggled all of the time with thinking that the infertility was my fault. I had convinced myself that I was the reason my husband didn’t have children. I thought I was the cause of his biggest source of pain.  I felt so guilty, because in my mind he could be with anyone else and have children. This way of thinking can cause great strain in the marriage.

This is where I want to start in fixing this guilt-complex we get.  Infertility is no one’s fault. I do not care if you are the only one in the relationship with the issue causing infertility. It is not your fault. Yes, I am sure you got married with the idea of owning the home with the white picket fence, having 2.5 kids and a dog, but that is not why your spouse married you. They married you because they love you. You and your spouse are a team. Your spouse will be your most valuable teammate through this situation because they are the only one that understands your situation completely.

If your spouse is your most valuable teammate it is important to remember that God is your coach. He is an amazing coach. You also need to remember that guilt is not from God.  He is not punishing you. He loves you and wants what is best for you. John 10:10 says that God came to give you a rich and satisfying life, but it also says that the thief came to kill, steal and destroy. One of the major ways that the devil will try to destroy you is through guilt, and boy, will he try to cause guilt through stupid things. There is no reason we should ever feel guilty because of infertility, but the devil will try to find your weakness.  1 John 3:21 says that if we don’t feel guilty we will be able to go to God with BOLD confidence. Well, no wonder the devil tries to guilt-trip us. Have you ever noticed how hard it is to pray when you feel guilty about something? How can you pray about having children if you feel like it is your fault that you don’t have them?

I love that first John 3:20 says that even if we feel guilty that God is greater than our feelings.  That is something that I need to remind myself all of the time. God is greater than my feelings! I would say it is about time that we give it to God and let go! Romans 8:1 says that there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. Do you belong to Christ? It is time for us to get rid of the guilt-complex and go boldly to God!

WEEKLY ASSIGNMENT:
This week, take to time to figure out if you are feeling guilty about anything. If you do, it is time to deal with it and give it to God. Then go to Him with bold confidence in prayer this week.