The Green Eyed Monster

The Green Eyed Monster

Week #8

Scripture Reference:  Philippians 4:6-9

            In my experience, one of the emotions that tries to take over the most is jealousy. I can remember when I was little my cousins got to go on vacation to Myrtle Beach, but we weren’t able to go on vacation that year.  Now, when you grow up in Ohio, going to the beach is a big deal. I remember being so jealous when they went that I secretly wished for rain (sorry guys, I know some of you read this, love you!). This is the first I am admitting to this, but I really think it will help to bring home the point. All week I was so consumed with being out in the sun so that I could be tanner than them when they got home. The fact that they were at the beach and I wasn’t consumed me.  Now, this is little kid jealousy. I am sure as adults we joke about being jealous when other people go on vacation, but I sure hope no one secretly wishes for rain anymore!

                Now we are adults and we deal with adult situations. I have had many friends that struggle with jealousy when a friend announces she is getting married. She wonders when it is going to be her time and when she will meet prince charming. I know others who have struggled with jealousy when it comes to friends getting promotions. It seems like everything works out so well for their friend, whereas they are struggling just to make ends meet. These are two major areas that I know people struggle with.  However, those are not the areas I have struggled with. So, again, I have to go to where I have experience. I do think that the emotions are very similar and the same principles can be applied in many areas of life.

                In my experience, that overwhelming sense of jealousy came every time someone announced that they were pregnant. The jealousy that followed was almost crippling. I am ashamed to admit this, but there were actually times I wished the pregnant women would get fat or I would take joy in the fact that their butt got big.  Now, I am sure that I am not the only person that has ever had those thoughts, though many will not admit to it.  So, if you are one of those people who have thought that, at least now you know you aren’t alone!  However, this is not the reaction that we are supposed to have.

                Proverbs 27:4 says “Anger is cruel, and wrath is like a flood, but jealousy is even more dangerous.” Then Proverbs 14:30 says “A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like cancer in the bones.”  So, we’ve now established that the Bible is very clear that jealousy is a negative emotion. This is not an emotion that we want to dwell in. Nothing good comes from dwelling here. James 3:13-18 is very clear that where jealousy lives so does disorder and evil. If this is the case, we need to learn to be above this emotion.

                A really good example of someone who had every right to be jealous was Hannah. Read 1 Samuel 1.  Hannah was married to Elkanah and he had one other wife. The other wife had children and Hannah didn’t have children. If that isn’t bad enough, the other wife would taunt and make fun of Hannah for not having children. The Bible says that this happened year after year.  Now, it doesn’t mention that Hannah was jealous, but I am sure she struggled with that emotion. 1 Samuel 1:10 says that Hannah was in deep anguish and cried bitterly to the Lord.  Does this sound familiar to anyone else, because it sure sounds familiar to me?

                I am not saying that a pang of jealousy will never rise up in you, but it would be to your benefit to recognize when it does so that you can do something about it. You do not want it to control you. The Bible says we must guard our hearts (Proverbs 4:23). So, we need to figure out how to get that emotion in check. Here is my advice and how I have learned to handle these difficult situations. First, jealousy is a sin. We need to go to God and ask His forgiveness. Then we need to ask for His help. We can’t do this on our own. We need help. I mentioned guarding our hearts earlier. You don’t want jealously to take root there.

Philippians 4:6-9 says “⁶ Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. ⁷ Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.⁸ And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. ⁹ Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.” This passage of scripture has several helpful hints.

1.       Don’t worry…Pray instead

2.       Live in Christ and His peace guards your heart

3.       Fix your thoughts on good things

4.       Put all of the above into practice (this isn’t a one-time thing)

WEEKLY ASSIGNMENT:
This week take the time to examine your heart. If you struggle with jealousy, repent and put the four things above into practice. I am also going to encourage you to pray for the people you are jealous of. If you are jealous because they are pregnant it is time to switch your way of thinking. Start praying that they will have a healthy, easy pregnancy.

If you ever want someone to agree with you in prayer, please feel free to email me at SarahMarie1010@gmail.com

Our Story

Our Story

I was only in high school when I met my husband.  Unfortunately I didn’t know this at the time. I even made quite the impression on him. He went to youth group with one of my friends and when she introduced us I turned around said hi and that was it. He thought I was stuck up and actually thought “with my luck I’ll end up marrying her”.  I saw him a few times after that, but he eventually he stopped hanging out with my group of friends.

It wasn’t until about two years later that was saw each other again. We both ended up going to a Reliant K concert the night before Thanksgiving. Neither of us was supposed to go to this concert, but I am so glad we did! We hung out the whole night and even ran into each other of Applebee’s afterwards.  We talked online for a few months and eventually hung out in person. We didn’t admit that we were dating until June and a little over two years later we were married. 

We were only married one month when I went off birth control. I didn’t like the way it made me feel, and we both agreed that it was best if I stopped taking it.  We didn’t really want to get pregnant at first. Neither of us had good jobs and money was definitely an issue. However, we weren’t naïve, so we assumed we would eventually end up pregnant. It wasn’t until about six months after going off the pill that I realized that there might be a problem.

It was about a year or two later that we finally pursued a reason for not getting pregnant in the first couple years of being married. I started complaining about pain on my right side on Wednesday and Jason told me I should go to the emergency room. I disagreed and refused to go. Then that Saturday the pain was so unreal that I finally agreed to go to the emergency room. Now, I can’t leave out that this was Jason’s birthday that we spent in the ER. I am pretty sure I will never live that down.  After a long visit with the ER we found out that I had a kidney stone and an ovarian cyst on the right side.

At my ER follow-up with my doctor is when we finally discussed the infertility issues we were having.  By this point the cyst was gone and the pain wasn’t as bad. We decided to go on Clomid. We did four months of Clomid. In the four months I was cranky and gained 20 pounds.

                Then I had my yearly with my gynecologist. During the pelvic exam he felt a cyst and brought me back in a few days later for an ultrasound. By this time the cyst was gone. I was so frustrated because I was still in so much pain. I couldn’t understand how I could still be in pain, but what supposedly caused the pain wasn’t there anymore.  This was the first mention of endometriosis. We decided at that visit not to do a laparoscopy because I was so young.  I very much regret that decision.

                Over the next year the pain continued to get worse and more constant. I eventually followed up with my primary care doctor and he recommended having the laparoscopy to prove that I had endometriosis and possibly treat it. I made my decision known at my next appointment with my gynecologist and after some discussion he agreed. My first surgery was about February of 2007.  They found endometriosis on my bladder, uterus and right ovary. However, because it was on my bladder the doctor didn’t remove any of it. Instead he put me on constant birth control for four months and the pain only got worse.

                He referred me to a specialist. The specialist wanted to lessen the endometriosis before operating because of the bladder being such a sensitive organ to operate on. He put me on Lupron which is a medication that I will never again do. I had to go to my doctor once a month to get an injection that puts you into menopause. So, for five months I went through mood swings, hot flashes and migraines with no relief.  Then, in October of 2007 my specialist operated and removed all of the endometriosis.

                Shortly after surgery we started all of the fertility testing. Still, the only known medical problems were the endometriosis and I have a tipped uterus. That tipped uterus makes all of the testing and treatments oh so much fun.  Other than those problems, we are the picture of health.

                From there we did four rounds of IUI. Intrauterine insemination (IUI) is a treatment that uses a catheter to place a number of washed sperm directly into the uterus. The week before the first IUI failed my Great Aunt passed away and the week we found out it failed my Great Uncle passed away. So, when the nurse asked me how I was doing when the second IUI failed, I just kind of laughed and said “better this time, no one died.” After my fourth IUI attempt failed I started back to school for Medical Assisting.

                We decided to give IVF a shot. I had nine embryos and we decided to transfer two. Unfortunately, none of the remaining seven were a good enough quality to freeze. IVF is such a crazy procedure.  It is a true roller coaster. I had to give myself injections twice a day. I saw my specialist and had ultrasounds about every other day for two weeks. Then the injections upped to three times a day. After the transfer my husband had to give me progesterone injections every day. During all of this I found out I was allergic to Zpack and we sprung a huge leak in our roof.  So, if the stresses of injections, medications and doctor appointments wasn’t enough we had to add in house issues!

                I was so sure that IVF would work for us. There wasn’t even a little part of me that thought I would be the 50% that it wouldn’t work for. In the two week wait after transfer I was devastated when I found out that none of the embryos could be frozen, but that was nothing compared to the devastation I felt when they told me my hormone levels weren’t high enough to be pregnant. To add insult to injury, I had to have blood redrawn on a Saturday morning to make sure my hormone levels were going down and not up.

                The IVF failure really sent us into a downward spiral and it has taken us a long time to recover. This is why I feel it is so important to share my story and some of what I have learned over the past few years. I wasted too much time letting infertility consume my life. I let it become who I was. I want to be able to help others as much as possible not to go down the emotional path that I did.  Yes, infertility sucks and it is emotional, but I want everyone that is going through it to know that they are not alone and that you will get through it!

                Since the IVF failure I have had to have one more surgery to remove more endometriosis. I have also opted to take birth control to help with the pain caused by endometriosis. I have graduated from college with an associate’s degree in Medical Assisting. My husband and I have moved to North Carolina, which was a very difficult move for us to make, but I feel was the move God intended for us. I now work as a Medical Assistant in an OB/GYN office. I see pregnant women all day long. I face all day what tortures most women going through infertility. I am here to tell you that I am okay. I will admit that there are days that are harder than others, but I love my job and truly enjoy working with pregnant women.

                Keep you head up, stay strong. You will get through this. It is not an easy journey, but as I have said in my blog, we have help. 1 Peter 5:7 says to cast your cares on God because he cares for you. Let me tell you, that is the greatest thing you can do is to give it to God.

Emotional Roller Coaster

Emotional Roller Coaster

Week #7

Scripture Reference:  1 Peter 5:7

            Over the next few weeks I really want to get into some of the emotions that you deal with when you are going through infertility. I discuss infertility because that is the situation I am most familiar with.  There are many other areas in life that some of what is discussed can be applied to.

We are a people that like to have what we want and we want it now! We struggle when things don’t work out that way. We plan out our lives and when life doesn’t pan out the way we planned it, we get confused, frustrated and don’t know how to react.

                When we are in control of the situation, we are naturally in control of our emotions. However, when we lose control of a situation we get attacked with all sorts of emotions that we may not normally deal with.  This is when we are most likely allowing emotions such as anger, jealousy, sadness and many others to take over. It is important to recognize when negative emotions take over and regain control. Now, I am not saying there is anything wrong with having a good cry. As a female, I know how important that good cry may be and how much of a release it is, but you can’t stay there. You cry, you clean the messy make up and puffy eyes, and you move on. It becomes dangerous when you allow any negative emotions to consume you.

                Over the next few weeks I am going to go into my personal experience and the experience some women in the Bible had with jealousy, anger, guilt, obsession and possibly some of the other emotions that come with a struggle. As I blog about these emotions it is important to remember who is in control and has the final say.  Here is the most important part of today’s blog…GOD IS IN CONTROL. I know it may seem that we lose control, but that does not change the fact that God in still in control.

                I know I have mentioned this verse of scripture before, but it is worth repeating.  John 16:33 states that we are going to have problems, but the end of that scripture says to take courage. It tells us to take courage because He has overcome the world. He is in control!

                The God that is in control and has overcome is on your side! You were made to be victorious! So, you need to start living like you are victorious. We already know that we are vistorious, so don’t let the bumps in the road take you down. Instead, follow the advice of 1 Peter 5:7.  The Amplified Bible says it like this: “Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully.” To live like you are victorious and like God is in control, you must place Him in control. Give Him your worries and don’t hold onto them. He cares for you and has your best interest at heart.

WEEKLY ASSIGNMENT:

Over the next week do exactly what 1 Peter 5:7 tells you to do. God cares for you and wants you to live victoriously! Dig into the Bible and find the scriptures that talk about God being our provision and how much God cares for us. Put God back in control of your situation because He will handle it better than any of us could. 

If you ever want someone to agree with you in prayer, please feel free to email me at SarahMarie1010@gmail.com

Joy

Joy

Week #6

Scripture Reference: Luke 4:18

            Today is the first day that I am writing my blog on the same day I plan to post one. I have a couple of other outlines for a blog prepared, but just did not feel like those were the blogs I should post today. I think sometimes when you are going through a difficult situation you could really use a little encouragement.  In church this morning we sang a song the stated that God is still God through a storm. The pastor also stated that we are not meant to go through life coasting. We are meant to have power!

                Over the past few years my husband and I have gone through a lot of disappointment. One of the most tragic situations I have been through is when the IVF failed. That outcome almost killed me. I got stuck in a funk and it took a long time to recover. I can remember emailing my pastor’s daughter and asking her how I was supposed to deal with the situation. I am not even sure that devastated is an appropriate enough term for how I felt. This is a feeling that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. This is why I feel my purpose in this blog and being so open is to give people hope. Whatever situation you are going through, no matter how big or how bad your situation may seem, you will get through this. The best part is that you do not have to go through this alone! We have a helper. We have a comforter. We have each other. Surround yourself with people that will lift you up when you are struggling.

                Luke 4:18-19 is Jesus explaining His purpose to everyone.  The part I want to pull out today is that he came to heal the brokenhearted. I am telling you right now, if your heart is broken, Jesus came for you! Psalms 34:18 says “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit”. I don’t know about you, but I have felt like that. I have felt brokenhearted and crushed. Anytime you feel like that, God is near and is there to help and give you Joy!

                I love the scripture in the Bible that says that He will give us beauty for ashes. This is from Isaiah 61:1-3. These are the same scriptures that Jesus stood on and read in Luke 4:18-19. Not only does verse three say that He will give us beauty for ashes, but it says the He will give us joy instead of mourning. God is all about giving us joy. Even in a situation where it seems like there shouldn’t be Joy, He wants us to have joy!

                Nehemiah 8:10 tells us not to be grieved because the joy of the Lord is our strength. Notice the Bible did not say that your joy is your strength. If we are dependent on our joy all of the time then we will feel weak and defeated most of the time, but we have God’s joy! His joy is our strength. 1Peter 1:8 says that because we know God we are filled with unexplainable joy. It didn’t just say that we will have joy.   It says that we are filled with joy. I don’t know about you, but when I think of filled I am not seeing something partially full. If it is filled, it is full. You are filled full of God’s joy! It is through God that we can have joy even when we are going through a situation where it looks like we should be depressed.  It is God’s unexplainable, wonderful joy that fills us and gives us strength to get through every situation.

WEEKLY ASSIGNMENT:

Really take the time this week to praise God for His goodness. It is through seeking Him that we find His joy. Look up as many scriptures this week as you can about joy and learn to depend on His joy.

If you ever want someone to agree with you in prayer, please feel free to email me at SarahMarie1010@gmail.com