The Journey

For years Mother’s Day was an incredibly painful holiday. It was a reminder of what I didn’t have. I actually stopped going to church on Mother’s Day. It was too painful for me when they would have the mom’s stand to recognize them. In my head it wasn’t like I wasn’t trying, I was just failing month after month. The last Mother’s Day I went to church our pastor’s wife prayed for all of the women who were struggling with infertility or who had lost a baby. I was supposed to be taking pictures. Instead I stood back by the production booth crying.

What I wish I would have known through that twelve years was that infertility was just part of my journey. There was so much more going on in my life. There were so many times infertility consumed me. I had a great journey to this point, and sometimes I knew that, but I definitely struggled at times. My life would be so different had we had a baby years ago. I tell Declan all the time that he was the baby we were waiting for. 

I’m so thankful God gives us beauty for ashes. We would not have moved to North Carolina if we would have had a baby 12 years ago. I miss my family terribly, but I feel at home in North Carolina. Moving gave me the opportunity to grow closer to my husband. We didn’t know anyone when we moved here. We depended only on each. It gave us to opportunity to go to church because we wanted to and not because it was expected of us. We truly got to become who we wanted to be, who we were supposed to be. 

I made it through school and had to opportunity to work in the medical field. This is also something I would not have done. I worked with some amazing people through those years. I had to opportunity to work with patients and hopefully help them through difficult times. I hope I was able to make an impact. At the time I didn’t recognize this as part of my journey. I miss that part of my life, but I am so thankful to be home with Declan.

Mostly I hope through all of this that I’ve been able to help others. That I am able to provide some encouragement. 

This Mother’s Day I am so thankful to be a mom. To get to experience this part of my journey. It has been amazing watching Declan grow and learn. I can’t believe how fast the last seven months have gone. I can’t believe my baby is already trying to walk and that he is crawling all over the place. The baby hugs and snuggles make the lack of sleep and teething worth it. It is amazing how a slobbery, disgusting baby kiss can make your whole day. 

I am so thankful to have my mom! I know there are so many who miss their mom something fierce. Because I know my mom will read this I’m adding this in. I’ve got an amazing mom who has never stopped loving me or praying for me. And believe me I am sure that was a struggle through those pesky teenage years.  She has been an amazing example to me of what a mom should be and I am so thankful for her. Happy Mother’s Day!

Isaiah 61:1-3

The Highlight Reel

I’d like to apologize if I have ever made it look like I have this “mom thing” down on my Facebook and Instagram. I know it’s been said, but those avenues of communication are just a person’s highlight reel. We create no authentic communication through our Facebook feeds and Instagram. I am sure there are other social networks out there, but I am old. The internet can be such an injustice to new parents. I watch all these “perfect” moms that have it all together and can’t figure out why I wasn’t cut out for this. Then don’t even get me started on information overload, but that’s another story.

I’m about to get extremely real because I think it is important for anyone who has felt the same way as me or may feel this in the future to know they aren’t alone. I mentioned above that I’ve felt like I wasn’t cut out for this. I’ve actually made the comment to my husband and best friend that I’m pretty sure it took me 12yrs to get pregnant because I was annoying God constantly praying for a baby so he finally caved and gave me one. I’m laughing as a type that because I know how ridiculous that sounds. My friend actually looked at me and said “yeah, because that’s how God works”.

I’ve joked before about what sleep deprivation can do to a person, but it can screw a person up too. Between the silly things Jason and I have done I’ve had some really low moments. Then you add in the crazy hormones and recovering from giving birth and you have a recipe for disaster. I’ve seen so many moms around me make it look easy. To be real, maybe for some of them it is, but I am certain there are many who have had similar feelings of exhaustion and inadequacy.

I struggled the first couple of months to feel a bond with Declan. This is something I have not admitted to most. I loved him because he was my son, but I didn’t feel connected to him. I remember being jealous of the connection I saw between him and Jason and not understanding what my brother meant when he said how connected he could tell Declan and I were. I felt guilty and frustrated. I had wanted to be a mom for so long. It was what I had prayed for. He was an answer to so many prayers. Then I finally got that answer and at the time was not what I had expected. I couldn’t understand why I felt no connection.

I am very much a live by logic and not by feelings type person. I think this worked to my benefit in the first couple of months. I knew I was struggling and needed to keep a couple people in the loop. I kept my highlight reel alive and well, but I kept real communication with my husband and one of my friends. This was so important to me because I knew if I crossed over to postpartum depression that one of them would catch it. I knew whatever I said to them would not be judged. I knew I could trust them and that they were watching out for me. 

This is why we were meant to do life together. Why a strong marriage and strong friendships are so very important. We are real people, not reel people. We have struggles and down times, but that is why we hold each other up. I joke that when I am having a rough mom day my one friend is having a good mom day and vice versa. We are able to encourage each other. 

Through all of this time I never stopped thanking God for Declan. I knew he was the biggest blessing in my life. I just needed to get there. Please know I am not complaining about any of this. I am so very thankful for my son, for the opportunity to be a mom. It was probably between 3 and 4 months that I started to feel the bond, that connection. I can’t imagine our lives without him. It has been absolutely amazing watching him grow and learn. I still have my days where I feel overwhelmed. I’m human, there will always be more to my life than my Facebook page, but I am so in love with being a mom to this little boy. He is by far our greatest adventure.

On your off days, know that they are temporary. There are good and great days too! Find those people you can lean on when needed. I started to tell my friends that they will love every minute of being a parents and I stopped myself. You probably won’t love every minute, but you will appreciate it. You get to be a parent. They are only this little once. God trusted you with them. That is a great honor. It is amazing and amazingly difficult, and I’ve barely got started!

Extend grace to each other. You never know what someone else is going through. We have the opportunity each and every day to be that person who lifts someone up or knocks someone down. I’m so thankful for those who were there for me when I needed lifted!

Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.

1 Peter 3:8 

May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had.

Romans 15:5

On the Other Side

        Twelve years. That is approximately how long it took us to get pregnant. A heartbreaking journey that almost destroyed our marriage. Now I think that strengthening of our marriage during that time has prepared us for the realities of being parents!

Let me start with sharing my delusions. I have always known being a mom would be difficult. Nothing in life is all rainbows and unicorns. I’m not a stranger to hard work. One of the comments that drove me crazy when I got pregnant was “your life will never be the same”. Well, no kidding. You mean I can’t just have a baby and continue life as normal? We tried for twelve years to get pregnant. We watched lots of friends and family have babies. We were prepared for this. Or so we thought! There is nothing that can be said that could ever possibly prepare you for parenthood.

I often question how I can possibly love being a mom so much and be exhausted and miserable at the same time. I can go days without a shower. Now, let me take full responsibility for this. My wonderful husband would gladly care for Declan so that I could shower, but there are times that I don’t even have the energy when Jason gets home from work. Also, in the evenings this boy takes a two-person team to manage! One of my friends helped me fold laundry and noticed she had only folded 2 pair of my underwear. This prompted the question “Sarah, when is the last time you changed your underwear?”. I actually had to think about this question. 

I am very much a perfectionist and strive to excel at whatever I do. I was certain I would be able to take care of my newborn, keep the house spotless and make healthy dinners every night. Ha! Reality, If Jason comes home and we both aren’t covered in spit up I count the day as a win! The reality is that I am four months in and the house is always a disaster, Jason has had to make dinner quite a few times because I am caring for Declan, but Declan has been taken care of. I was able to entertain and love on Declan all day! Some days are easier than others. I love to see his eyes light up when I start playing the turtle song. The smile when I sing A Bushel and a Peck. I lay on the floor with him while he plays and read him books. I cherish these moments. They won’t last forever.

Being a parent is disgusting! I knew babies pooped and spit up. I had no idea the true impact of a baby’s bodily fluids. I am constantly covered in some sort of bodily fluid including breast milk when I decide to leak! 

Did you know that blow outs can make it clear up to their shoulders? Seriously, there have been many times we just have an impromptu bath time. I learned on our first road trip to have plastic shopping bags in the diaper bag. Ever change a blow out in a Cracker Barrel bathroom? I have, he thought it was funny. 

Spit up that soaks both of us. I don’t even clean up the spit up that hits the floor anymore. I just call the dogs. They think it’s a treat! Does it help their immune systems too? Then there is the debate when you are getting ready to walk out the door. How bad is this really? Do I need to change either of our clothes? Often times I just opt for not changing. The spit up should be dry by the time we get to where we are going. I mean, what is the point in changing? He will either spit up or drool on me as soon as I get him out of the car seat.

Then, there is pee. I don’t care how fast you are, they are waiting! I think they prefer to pee outside of the diaper. Are diapers considered used if he pees into the diaper drawer while you are changing his diaper? Urine is sterile, right? Also, when they pee in the bath (which is every bath), it is diluted enough that it doesn’t count.

The sleep deprivation makes you do funny things. When we first came home from the hospital there were many times Jason accused me of putting the baby somewhere strange. My favorite was the night he thought I put Declan on the ceiling fan. Then there was the night he woke me up and kept asking me "where's the baby's head?”. After looking in the cradle I informed him it was on his body. One night I woke up totally freaked out because I didn't see him in the cradle. I was trying to figure out where I left him. He was in the cradle. So, it's been pretty calm for a couple months. Then, recently I grabbed Jason's head (I don't think gently) because I thought the baby was rolling off the bed. He does not sleep in our bed. Has never slept in our bed. I vaguely remember apologizing to Jason.

I am so thrilled to have the opportunity to experience parenthood. So far it is everything I’ve expected and more. It is not easy and I may go further into the early days some other time, but it is by far the biggest blessing. Not a day goes by that I don’t thank God for his faithfulness or tell Declan that he was the baby we were waiting for. We were waiting for him. 

Psalm 127:3

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.