Out of the Freezer and into the Oven

Completing our family… The freezer is empty!

After such and incredibly long and emotional journey it is so amazing to think that I will be a mom of two. There were so many times I lost hope or gave up. Many times I cried or I was angry. I’m so thankful for the support that surrounded me and the faith that I grew up with and made my own. 

Infertility is a long and lonely time. No one quite understands unless they've been there. There were many times I had completely lost faith and even times I was angry at God. I couldn’t believe he would keep the one thing from me that I so desperately wanted. Then there were other times I blamed myself. I didn't know what I could have possibly done to be punished with infertility. Did I ruin my fertility somehow? I am mostly vegetarian, maybe I wasn’t getting enough protein. Maybe God just didn’t think I was good enough to be a mom. Then add in the guilt. It was my body that wasn’t cooperating. I wasn’t able to give my husband a child.

On this side of infertility I realize how untrue any of that thinking truly is. Even while going through it there were times I knew I wasn’t being rational, but I couldn’t convince myself otherwise. 

Please, let me just tell you, if you are going through infertility…

God did not forget about you!

This is not your fault!

So, here we are more than 12yrs later. Baby #2 is out of the freezer and in the oven! Baby #1 just woke up from nap and is snuggled up against me. It is not all puppies and rainbows. Pregnancy is hard sometimes. Parenting is harder,  but I am so thankful for the opportunity to be a mom.

Since I’ve been quite open about my story I’ve heard so many other stories from women who have been there. Every story is unique. Some include miscarriages and loss. Some the frustration of nothing month after month. I’ve been amazed by the mothers I have met and the different routes taken to get to motherhood. So many beautiful adoption stories and treatment stories. Every story is beautiful and every child very much loved.

So, basically, this is my official announcement that baby #2 is on the way. In 2016 we started the IVF process. We did a fresh cycle and transferred two embryos. I have been loving being Declan’s mommy (most of the time, during the poop disaster this morning I think I was a bit irritated). During the original IVF process we had one embryo that was strong enough to be frozen. We knew we would use that embryo eventually, but didn’t know the timeline. This fall the timeline fell into place and we started the frozen embryo transfer process. We kept the process to ourselves this time and oh the joy! We got to surprise our immediate families at Christmas! That is our news!

Don’t give up hope. Don’t give up faith. In the difficult times, which I know there are many, lean on those around you.

The Journey

For years Mother’s Day was an incredibly painful holiday. It was a reminder of what I didn’t have. I actually stopped going to church on Mother’s Day. It was too painful for me when they would have the mom’s stand to recognize them. In my head it wasn’t like I wasn’t trying, I was just failing month after month. The last Mother’s Day I went to church our pastor’s wife prayed for all of the women who were struggling with infertility or who had lost a baby. I was supposed to be taking pictures. Instead I stood back by the production booth crying.

What I wish I would have known through that twelve years was that infertility was just part of my journey. There was so much more going on in my life. There were so many times infertility consumed me. I had a great journey to this point, and sometimes I knew that, but I definitely struggled at times. My life would be so different had we had a baby years ago. I tell Declan all the time that he was the baby we were waiting for. 

I’m so thankful God gives us beauty for ashes. We would not have moved to North Carolina if we would have had a baby 12 years ago. I miss my family terribly, but I feel at home in North Carolina. Moving gave me the opportunity to grow closer to my husband. We didn’t know anyone when we moved here. We depended only on each. It gave us to opportunity to go to church because we wanted to and not because it was expected of us. We truly got to become who we wanted to be, who we were supposed to be. 

I made it through school and had to opportunity to work in the medical field. This is also something I would not have done. I worked with some amazing people through those years. I had to opportunity to work with patients and hopefully help them through difficult times. I hope I was able to make an impact. At the time I didn’t recognize this as part of my journey. I miss that part of my life, but I am so thankful to be home with Declan.

Mostly I hope through all of this that I’ve been able to help others. That I am able to provide some encouragement. 

This Mother’s Day I am so thankful to be a mom. To get to experience this part of my journey. It has been amazing watching Declan grow and learn. I can’t believe how fast the last seven months have gone. I can’t believe my baby is already trying to walk and that he is crawling all over the place. The baby hugs and snuggles make the lack of sleep and teething worth it. It is amazing how a slobbery, disgusting baby kiss can make your whole day. 

I am so thankful to have my mom! I know there are so many who miss their mom something fierce. Because I know my mom will read this I’m adding this in. I’ve got an amazing mom who has never stopped loving me or praying for me. And believe me I am sure that was a struggle through those pesky teenage years.  She has been an amazing example to me of what a mom should be and I am so thankful for her. Happy Mother’s Day!

Isaiah 61:1-3

The Highlight Reel

I’d like to apologize if I have ever made it look like I have this “mom thing” down on my Facebook and Instagram. I know it’s been said, but those avenues of communication are just a person’s highlight reel. We create no authentic communication through our Facebook feeds and Instagram. I am sure there are other social networks out there, but I am old. The internet can be such an injustice to new parents. I watch all these “perfect” moms that have it all together and can’t figure out why I wasn’t cut out for this. Then don’t even get me started on information overload, but that’s another story.

I’m about to get extremely real because I think it is important for anyone who has felt the same way as me or may feel this in the future to know they aren’t alone. I mentioned above that I’ve felt like I wasn’t cut out for this. I’ve actually made the comment to my husband and best friend that I’m pretty sure it took me 12yrs to get pregnant because I was annoying God constantly praying for a baby so he finally caved and gave me one. I’m laughing as a type that because I know how ridiculous that sounds. My friend actually looked at me and said “yeah, because that’s how God works”.

I’ve joked before about what sleep deprivation can do to a person, but it can screw a person up too. Between the silly things Jason and I have done I’ve had some really low moments. Then you add in the crazy hormones and recovering from giving birth and you have a recipe for disaster. I’ve seen so many moms around me make it look easy. To be real, maybe for some of them it is, but I am certain there are many who have had similar feelings of exhaustion and inadequacy.

I struggled the first couple of months to feel a bond with Declan. This is something I have not admitted to most. I loved him because he was my son, but I didn’t feel connected to him. I remember being jealous of the connection I saw between him and Jason and not understanding what my brother meant when he said how connected he could tell Declan and I were. I felt guilty and frustrated. I had wanted to be a mom for so long. It was what I had prayed for. He was an answer to so many prayers. Then I finally got that answer and at the time was not what I had expected. I couldn’t understand why I felt no connection.

I am very much a live by logic and not by feelings type person. I think this worked to my benefit in the first couple of months. I knew I was struggling and needed to keep a couple people in the loop. I kept my highlight reel alive and well, but I kept real communication with my husband and one of my friends. This was so important to me because I knew if I crossed over to postpartum depression that one of them would catch it. I knew whatever I said to them would not be judged. I knew I could trust them and that they were watching out for me. 

This is why we were meant to do life together. Why a strong marriage and strong friendships are so very important. We are real people, not reel people. We have struggles and down times, but that is why we hold each other up. I joke that when I am having a rough mom day my one friend is having a good mom day and vice versa. We are able to encourage each other. 

Through all of this time I never stopped thanking God for Declan. I knew he was the biggest blessing in my life. I just needed to get there. Please know I am not complaining about any of this. I am so very thankful for my son, for the opportunity to be a mom. It was probably between 3 and 4 months that I started to feel the bond, that connection. I can’t imagine our lives without him. It has been absolutely amazing watching him grow and learn. I still have my days where I feel overwhelmed. I’m human, there will always be more to my life than my Facebook page, but I am so in love with being a mom to this little boy. He is by far our greatest adventure.

On your off days, know that they are temporary. There are good and great days too! Find those people you can lean on when needed. I started to tell my friends that they will love every minute of being a parents and I stopped myself. You probably won’t love every minute, but you will appreciate it. You get to be a parent. They are only this little once. God trusted you with them. That is a great honor. It is amazing and amazingly difficult, and I’ve barely got started!

Extend grace to each other. You never know what someone else is going through. We have the opportunity each and every day to be that person who lifts someone up or knocks someone down. I’m so thankful for those who were there for me when I needed lifted!

Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.

1 Peter 3:8 

May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had.

Romans 15:5

On the Other Side

        Twelve years. That is approximately how long it took us to get pregnant. A heartbreaking journey that almost destroyed our marriage. Now I think that strengthening of our marriage during that time has prepared us for the realities of being parents!

Let me start with sharing my delusions. I have always known being a mom would be difficult. Nothing in life is all rainbows and unicorns. I’m not a stranger to hard work. One of the comments that drove me crazy when I got pregnant was “your life will never be the same”. Well, no kidding. You mean I can’t just have a baby and continue life as normal? We tried for twelve years to get pregnant. We watched lots of friends and family have babies. We were prepared for this. Or so we thought! There is nothing that can be said that could ever possibly prepare you for parenthood.

I often question how I can possibly love being a mom so much and be exhausted and miserable at the same time. I can go days without a shower. Now, let me take full responsibility for this. My wonderful husband would gladly care for Declan so that I could shower, but there are times that I don’t even have the energy when Jason gets home from work. Also, in the evenings this boy takes a two-person team to manage! One of my friends helped me fold laundry and noticed she had only folded 2 pair of my underwear. This prompted the question “Sarah, when is the last time you changed your underwear?”. I actually had to think about this question. 

I am very much a perfectionist and strive to excel at whatever I do. I was certain I would be able to take care of my newborn, keep the house spotless and make healthy dinners every night. Ha! Reality, If Jason comes home and we both aren’t covered in spit up I count the day as a win! The reality is that I am four months in and the house is always a disaster, Jason has had to make dinner quite a few times because I am caring for Declan, but Declan has been taken care of. I was able to entertain and love on Declan all day! Some days are easier than others. I love to see his eyes light up when I start playing the turtle song. The smile when I sing A Bushel and a Peck. I lay on the floor with him while he plays and read him books. I cherish these moments. They won’t last forever.

Being a parent is disgusting! I knew babies pooped and spit up. I had no idea the true impact of a baby’s bodily fluids. I am constantly covered in some sort of bodily fluid including breast milk when I decide to leak! 

Did you know that blow outs can make it clear up to their shoulders? Seriously, there have been many times we just have an impromptu bath time. I learned on our first road trip to have plastic shopping bags in the diaper bag. Ever change a blow out in a Cracker Barrel bathroom? I have, he thought it was funny. 

Spit up that soaks both of us. I don’t even clean up the spit up that hits the floor anymore. I just call the dogs. They think it’s a treat! Does it help their immune systems too? Then there is the debate when you are getting ready to walk out the door. How bad is this really? Do I need to change either of our clothes? Often times I just opt for not changing. The spit up should be dry by the time we get to where we are going. I mean, what is the point in changing? He will either spit up or drool on me as soon as I get him out of the car seat.

Then, there is pee. I don’t care how fast you are, they are waiting! I think they prefer to pee outside of the diaper. Are diapers considered used if he pees into the diaper drawer while you are changing his diaper? Urine is sterile, right? Also, when they pee in the bath (which is every bath), it is diluted enough that it doesn’t count.

The sleep deprivation makes you do funny things. When we first came home from the hospital there were many times Jason accused me of putting the baby somewhere strange. My favorite was the night he thought I put Declan on the ceiling fan. Then there was the night he woke me up and kept asking me "where's the baby's head?”. After looking in the cradle I informed him it was on his body. One night I woke up totally freaked out because I didn't see him in the cradle. I was trying to figure out where I left him. He was in the cradle. So, it's been pretty calm for a couple months. Then, recently I grabbed Jason's head (I don't think gently) because I thought the baby was rolling off the bed. He does not sleep in our bed. Has never slept in our bed. I vaguely remember apologizing to Jason.

I am so thrilled to have the opportunity to experience parenthood. So far it is everything I’ve expected and more. It is not easy and I may go further into the early days some other time, but it is by far the biggest blessing. Not a day goes by that I don’t thank God for his faithfulness or tell Declan that he was the baby we were waiting for. We were waiting for him. 

Psalm 127:3

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.

Comments

We just went through one of the most difficult times of year for me. For many Mother's Day is a happy time, but when you’ve gone through infertility as long as I have it can be a bitter reminder. I have been doing so well and really have adjusted well to the idea that we may never have children, but I still have my sad moments. I still have my why moments. I think that is normal and part of life. We all have that part of our lives that we just don’t understand and this is mine.

               

  So, I would like to give some advice to all you fertile people out there. I love you dearly, but honestly until you’ve gone through it you don’t understand. I’ve written part of this blog before, but out of anger and I knew I wouldn’t post it. I think just to help you understand where I was that day I am going to include how I originally wrote it. Please keep in mind, I was having a rough day.

1. “It is the worst thing in the world to be pregnant in the summer.”
• Yes, I have actually heard this one from someone who knew what I was going through. No, being pregnant in the summer it not the worst in world. I am not even going to say that what I’ve been through even compares to the worst thing in the world. However, I would take being pregnant in the summer over the $13,000 IVF loan and the process it took to get through IVF and have nothing to show for it.
2. “Thank your lucky stars that you’ve never had to do the sugar test.”
• Really?! May I rephrase that for you? I have been married for over 10yrs and would love the opportunity to do the sugar test, but I have never been given the chance to do so. Believe me when I say, this will be one of the smaller sacrifices you have to make for this child.
3. “You can borrow my child whenever you want.”
• I don’t even know how to justify this one with a response, but I hear it all of the time. Think about it this way, you are kind of rubbing it in that you have kids.
4. “If you just stop trying or start the adoption process it will happen.”
• There is a physical reason I haven’t been able to get pregnant. It is called I have a 1% chance (or at least I did a few years ago) to get pregnant on my own. It is not a mental thing! It is a physical thing! As for the adoption aspect, I looked up the stats for that. Only 4% of people who adopt go on to get pregnant afterwards.
5. “Why don’t you just adopt.”
• Really, do you think adoption is easy? It is a long process that does not always have a happy ending.

Now, here is one more request I have. If you have a friend who is going through infertility, please do not avoid them when you find out they are pregnant. I promise, they will be happy for you. Yes, they may be a little sad for themselves, but don’t rob them of sharing in your joy. If they are your friend, they love you and will love your children too.

On to all my friends out there who have not been so lucky to get pregnant and carry full-term yet. To all those people that make some of these comments you need to extend some grace. As I said earlier, if you haven’t been through it you don’t understand. So, many comments are made because they don’t know what else to say. They are trying to make you feel better. Others don’t even know what you are going through so they don’t understand what their comments/complaining are doing to you.

Grace is an amazing thing and we all need it at times. I am sure I have made well-meaning comments that did more harm than good.

We are meant to go through life together. To celebrate together and to hold each other up when needed. I think we need to start being more cautious of each other’s feelings and on the other end stop being so sensitive.

Proverbs 18:24

There are “friends” who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.

Proverbs 27:17

As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.

Avoiding the Terminator

Avoiding the Terminator

            We were all placed here on earth for a purpose. God created our destiny before we were even born (Isaiah 44:2).  It now becomes out decision whether or not we will fulfill that purpose, our destiny. We have a choice. You will either complete your destiny or you won’t.

            Two of the biggest hindrances to completing my purpose in life have been trials and a feeling of inadequacy.  I am pretty sure everyone at one time or another has experienced one of those two struggles. As humans living in a fallen world, we have struggles. Life isn’t perfect and it isn’t always easy.

            We had Lisa Bevere at our church for Chick Night a couple weeks ago. The message she taught was so powerful. She started with telling us about the movie Terminator. Since I have never seen the movie I’d like to explain it as close as I can to how she described the movie.

*** There was this girl named Sarah Connor. She didn’t seem like anything special. No boyfriend, no real career. Then the Terminator comes from the future to kill all of the Sarah Connors. He uses a phone book to find all of them. She finds out about this and goes and hides in a bar. The Terminator shows up there and start shooting people. Then some other guy from the future shows up to save her. Sometime in all of this he finds time to explain the situation to her. Tells her that the Terminator is after her because of some amazing plan she comes up with and that her son will be a General. Of course, she is pretty sure that they have the wrong person.***

            She told this whole story to explain that the attacks you go through are often not because of who you are now, but because of the potential of who you could be in the future. No other story had ever brought that point home so well for me. You are not here by chance. You are who you are meant to be! God has a purpose for you!

            This story shows both extremes. First, Sarah definitely went through an attack. My goodness, the Terminator was trying to kill her! Then there was the feeling of inadequacy. She didn’t think that she capable of what the guy from the future told her she would do.

            For Jason and I the biggest attack I feel we’ve experienced is the infertility. For a long time we let that dictate our actions. We let it hinder who could become and the plan that God had for our lives. We’ve learned a lot since we originally started going through this journey. Romans 8:28 says that God causes all things to work for good to those who love him. Now, let me be very clear, it did not say that God causes all things, but He sure can take a crappy situation and turn it for his Glory.

            You choose what you do with the attacks that you experience in life. You can fight back, or you can let them defeat you. This is one of the lessons that we have learned. Because we have walked this journey we now have the special opportunity to help and encourage other couples who are going through a similar journey. If you haven’t been through it, it can be difficult to emphasize. God doesn’t cause these bad things in our lives. In fact, we often cause them ourselves, but God does allow us to use them to help others. Just as I can help people going through infertility you have the opportunity to help others who have the same struggles you have had. Our imperfections can be turned to glorify God. Think about the struggles you have faced and how much God could take them and use them for his good.

            Another thing we have learned through our journey of infertility is how to trust and lean on God. Last year I went through a phase where my blood pressure kept spiking and I was having vertigo spells. At this point my primary care provider decided it was best for me to have an MRI done to make sure that there wasn’t a tumor on my pituitary gland. Now, I will not say that I was perfect in this situation and I will not say that fear didn’t creep in at times, but because of the faith practice we already had in God because of going through the infertility, we knew that God had our backs. We knew how to trust Him. I thank God all the time that the MRI came back good. I only tell that to remind you that some experiences help you grow your faith.

            Now on to the feelings of inadequacy, Gideon has already tried that, so there is no use in you trying that line too. Stop telling God what you think your short-comings are. He knows you better than you know you! He created you! God didn’t pick you because of how qualified you think you are. God picked you because of how qualified you are in Him. In Judges 6:15 Gideon tried to convince God that his was the weakest clan. God didn’t care because He knew what He created Gideon to do. Philippians 4:13 says that I can do all things through Christ. It does not say that I can do all things through myself. Remember, God doesn’t expect you to do things on your own. Not trusting yourself to do what God has called you to do is like telling God you don’t trust in His abilities. Our qualifications are in Him. He deserves all of the glory and honor forever and ever. Trust Him to use you.

Remember…

1.      Attacks will come.

2.      Take them as a compliment. They mean the enemy knows what you are capable of!

3.      Realize your potential in Christ

 

The Winning Hand – How to Play with the Cards Dealt to you

The Winning Hand – 

How to Play with the Cards Dealt to you

Scripture Reference: 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

            My family spends a lot of time playing cards. This might be why this is such an easy analogy for me to understand. This is an analogy that I have gone to many times in describing the way my life seems to be going at the time. Fortunately, I had a co-worker correct my way of thinking and the conversation we had has always stuck with me.

            In July 2010 I had my third surgery to remove endometriosis. Six months after that I had to have a follow-up appointment with my specialist.  This appointment did not go well. This appointment about broke me. My doctor was not happy that in the six months after surgery I hadn’t conceived. Then when he asked me about the pain things just got worse. I told him that the pain was not as bad since having the surgery. Unfortunately, because I still had any pain he informed me that I still had endometriosis and proceeded to call it an active disease for the rest of the appointment. He strongly encouraged me to go on birth control to hinder the endometriosis until I was ready to try to get pregnant again. This would be a simple request, but when he said try to get pregnant again he meant in-vitro fertilization (IVF). By the time I left that appointment was absolutely devastated.

            When I got to work it took everything in me to hold it together. In fact, I am sure I cried that day. I eventually went and talked to one of my co-workers. I complained that this was just the hand that was dealt to me and it was a stinky hand. Thankfully, this was a very honest co-worker and I didn’t get upset with him when he was brutally honest with me. He corrected me and told me that I was dealt an amazing hand; I just got one lousy card.

            Here is my question to you: when that one card becomes overwhelming, have you looked at the rest of your hand? So, in my case, when I was so focused on the infertility card I was missing what my hand really looked like. I didn’t see that potential I really had. I began to ignore all of the good cards and focus only on that one card. In all reality, this is what my hand really looked like.

            There was only one bad card in my hand. Then, to take this analogy one step further, in poker, you can still win with a stinky hand! The right attitude can help you win.

            Then, after every game you are dealt a new hand. You have the potential to get dealt the perfect hand; you have the potential to get dealt a stinky hand. Odds are you will not always get the perfect hand, you will have to face trials. In those times that you are facing a trial, don’t forget to look at the rest of your hand.

And no matter what…

Always by joyful,

Never stop praying,

Be thankful in all circumstances

(1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)