Thursday, May 15, 2014

Comments

We just went through one of the most difficult times of year for me. For many Mother's Day is a happy time, but when you’ve gone through infertility as long as I have it can be a bitter reminder. I have been doing so well and really have adjusted well to the idea that we may never have children, but I still have my sad moments. I still have my why moments. I think that is normal and part of life. We all have that part of our lives that we just don’t understand and this is mine.
               

  So, I would like to give some advice to all you fertile people out there. I love you dearly, but honestly until you’ve gone through it you don’t understand. I’ve written part of this blog before, but out of anger and I knew I wouldn’t post it. I think just to help you understand where I was that day I am going to include how I originally wrote it. Please keep in mind, I was having a rough day.

  1. “It is the worst thing in the world to be pregnant in the summer.”
    • Yes, I have actually heard this one from someone who knew what I was going through. No, being pregnant in the summer it not the worst in world. I am not even going to say that what I’ve been through even compares to the worst thing in the world. However, I would take being pregnant in the summer over the $13,000 IVF loan and the process it took to get through IVF and have nothing to show for it.
  2. “Thank your lucky stars that you’ve never had to do the sugar test.”
    • Really?! May I rephrase that for you? I have been married for over 10yrs and would love the opportunity to do the sugar test, but I have never been given the chance to do so. Believe me when I say, this will be one of the smaller sacrifices you have to make for this child.
  3. “You can borrow my child whenever you want.”
    • I don’t even know how to justify this one with a response, but I hear it all of the time. Think about it this way, you are kind of rubbing it in that you have kids.
  4. “If you just stop trying or start the adoption process it will happen.”
    • There is a physical reason I haven’t been able to get pregnant. It is called I have a 1% chance (or at least I did a few years ago) to get pregnant on my own. It is not a mental thing! It is a physical thing! As for the adoption aspect, I looked up the stats for that. Only 4% of people who adopt go on to get pregnant afterwards.
  5. “Why don’t you just adopt.”
    • Really, do you think adoption is easy? It is a long process that does not always have a happy ending.
Now, here is one more request I have. If you have a friend who is going through infertility, please do not avoid them when you find out they are pregnant. I promise, they will be happy for you. Yes, they may be a little sad for themselves, but don’t rob them of sharing in your joy. If they are your friend, they love you and will love your children too.

On to all my friends out there who have not been so lucky to get pregnant and carry full-term yet. To all those people that make some of these comments you need to extend some grace. As I said earlier, if you haven’t been through it you don’t understand. So, many comments are made because they don’t know what else to say. They are trying to make you feel better. Others don’t even know what you are going through so they don’t understand what their comments/complaining are doing to you.

Grace is an amazing thing and we all need it at times. I am sure I have made well-meaning comments that did more harm than good.

We are meant to go through life together. To celebrate together and to hold each other up when needed. I think we need to start being more cautious of each other’s feelings and on the other end stop being so sensitive.

Proverbs 18:24
There are “friends” who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.
Proverbs 27:17
As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.

1 comment:

  1. As the mother I would like to now post my comment. A few years ago I purchased this small book of healing confessions. It had the confessions with the scripture references in it. But I wanted to have the scriptures all written out also, so I typed it all out on my computer. And then it sat and I did nothing with it. I have watched my daughter(s) and son(s) not conceive and grieved not only for them but also for me. I really want those grand babies. I believed and confessed and stood and nothing. Now I have to say that I have 2 granddaughters through marriages that I would not trade for anything. So anyway I kind of just let the believing, confessing and standing go by the wayside. Let me remind you, this has been over 10 years. God kept telling me, you need to be confessing your healing scriptures. And I kept saying I know. And I wasn't feeling good. I knew my blood pressure was a little high, 190/110. So I started saying my scriptures. You have to get the word in your heart. And I went to the doctor. I was not in a position to stand alone. Well, in the process of reading the healing scriptures I come across Exodus 23:25-26, So I will serve the Lord my God, and He will bless my bread and my water. And He will take sickness away from the midst of me. My daughters will not suffer miscarriage or be barren in my family. He will fulfill the number of my days. And I said no God I am not confessing that right now. And He said yes you are. So I am and I know my God is faithful to fulfill His word. Isaiah 55:10-11 says For as the rain comes down, and the snow from heaven, and do not return there, but water the earth. They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry. It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it. I do not dwell negatively on the circumstance anymore. It tries to make me to though sometimes. I just know that my God is faithful!

    ReplyDelete