We just went through one of the most difficult times of year
for me. For many Mother's Day is a happy time, but when you’ve gone through infertility
as long as I have it can be a bitter reminder. I have been doing so well and
really have adjusted well to the idea that we may never have children, but I
still have my sad moments. I still have my why moments. I think that is normal
and part of life. We all have that part of our lives that we just don’t
understand and this is mine.
So, I
would like to give some advice to all you fertile people out there. I love you
dearly, but honestly until you’ve gone through it you don’t understand. I’ve
written part of this blog before, but out of anger and I knew I wouldn’t post it. I think
just to help you understand where I was that day I am going to include how I originally wrote it. Please keep in mind, I was having a rough day.
- “It is the worst
thing in the world to be pregnant in the summer.”
- Yes, I have
actually heard this one from someone who knew what I was going through.
No, being pregnant in the summer it not the worst in world. I am not even
going to say that what I’ve been through even compares to the worst thing
in the world. However, I would take being pregnant in the summer over the
$13,000 IVF loan and the process it took to get through IVF and have
nothing to show for it.
- “Thank your
lucky stars that you’ve never had to do the sugar test.”
- Really?! May I
rephrase that for you? I have been married for over 10yrs and would love
the opportunity to do the sugar test, but I have never been given the
chance to do so. Believe me when I say, this will be one of the smaller
sacrifices you have to make for this child.
- “You can borrow
my child whenever you want.”
- I don’t even
know how to justify this one with a response, but I hear it all of the
time. Think about it this way, you are kind of rubbing it in that you
have kids.
- “If you just stop
trying or start the adoption process it will happen.”
- There is a
physical reason I haven’t been able to get pregnant. It is called I have
a 1% chance (or at least I did a few years ago) to get pregnant on my
own. It is not a mental thing! It is a physical thing! As for the
adoption aspect, I looked up the stats for that. Only 4% of people who
adopt go on to get pregnant afterwards.
- “Why don’t you
just adopt.”
- Really, do you think adoption is easy? It is a long process that does not always have a happy ending.
Now, here is one more request I
have. If you have a friend who is going through infertility, please do not
avoid them when you find out they are pregnant. I promise, they will be happy
for you. Yes, they may be a little sad for themselves, but don’t rob them of
sharing in your joy. If they are your friend, they love you and will love your
children too.
On to all my friends out there who
have not been so lucky to get pregnant and carry full-term yet. To all those
people that make some of these comments you need to extend some grace. As I
said earlier, if you haven’t been through it you don’t understand. So, many
comments are made because they don’t know what else to say. They are trying to
make you feel better. Others don’t even know what you are going through so they
don’t understand what their comments/complaining are doing to you.
Grace is an amazing thing and we
all need it at times. I am sure I have made well-meaning comments that did more
harm than good.
We are meant to go through life
together. To celebrate together and to hold each other up when needed. I think
we need to start being more cautious of each other’s feelings and on the other
end stop being so sensitive.
Proverbs 18:24
There are “friends” who destroy
each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.
Proverbs 27:17
As iron sharpens iron, so a friend
sharpens a friend.
